Culture Shock: Underworld Edition
by KnightEstoc
Summary: In which Kirito finds out certain activities have different meanings in other cultures. I'm sure it's fine, though. Probably.


**Culture Shock: Underworld Edition**

* * *

Kirito sighed as he wiped Alice's cheek and bandaged her damaged right eye. It hadn't been fun, watching her cry and writhe in pain as she fought against whatever that strange red glow had been. It was the same one that had destroyed Eugeo's right eye, before it had been healed. Whatever it had been... He was glad that it was over, at least. He'd done whatever he could think of to calm her down while she'd been thrashing, but nothing had seemed to have any effect and she'd fallen asleep -

"Kirito," Alice said, and he nearly jumped out of his skin. Sh-She was awake?! "I wish to confirm something. I'd almost overlooked your actions several minutes ago, but... Did you kiss my forehead?"

"Huh? Oh, uh... yeah, sorry." Kirito scratched his cheek. "It wasn't my first thought, but..."

He trailed off when he looked at Alice. Her cheeks were bright red and she'd puffed her cheeks out, and her hands were trembling as they reached up to grab his shirt. "Y-You... You... You idiot!" She finally snapped. Alice rose to her feet and Kirito realized even with a strip of his shirt for an eye patch, she was still very intimidating. And also a little cute. "What made you do such a thing?! We've... we've barely spoken for an hour, and - and you're a traitor to the realm!" B-But she'd already accepted that he wasn't a traitor! Was she that flustered?!

"Wait why are you blushing while you're yelling at me? And why are you yelling at me in the first place?!"

Alice's cheeks grew redder as the red tint, barely visible in the dark night, traveled up to the tips of her ears. "Sh-sh-shut up, I am not blushing. And I'm yelling because I have no idea what possessed you to propose to me when you're already engaged!"

Engaged? How did she know about Asuna -

Wait, what?! Kirito blinked a few times. "Huh? When did I ever propose to you?" he yelped.

Alice's fists tightened in his shirt. "Do not play dumb," she told him. "You admitted it already! You kissed my forehead, an act equal to that of a proposal in the eyes of the Axiom Church!"

"H-hang on, what? That doesn't make any sense!" Kirito protested. "How can a kiss on the forehead be the same as proposing to someone?"

"I, I... How should _I_ know?" Alice asked.

Kirito had no idea, but it wasn't like HE had known about this whole forehead kiss being a proposal... thing... His shoulders slumped in Alice's grasp, and he groaned in total, utter despair as he remembered _everything_. "...Oh no."

Alice frowned at him. She opened her mouth, and then sighed instead of saying anything. "What did you do." It didn't really sound like a question to him, despite the words she'd used.

Kirito looked away from Alice and cleared his throat. "Well..."

...

_A few hours ago..._

Only ten? He could only save ten of the wonderful people he'd met in Underworld? Selka, Liena, Ronie and Tiese, Eugeo...

"I... gotta pick...?" His hands trembled in front of him. Then, his shoulders relaxed. "Wait a sec," Kirito said. "Something doesn't add up here. You said your soul's a copy of hers. That means you got the selfish part of the nobility in you, too. The drive to fit your wants and needs above everyone else's.

"So why'd you wait here, all by yourself? And for two hundred years?" Kirito couldn't imagine how lonely the small, doll-like girl must have been. "You could have found a place far away from Administrator, and had _some_ kind of life!"

"Umu. The Cardinal sub-process was burned into me," Cardinal said. "That means my core desires amount to only one thing: to eliminate Administrator and restore normal function here. To me, there is no way to have a properly functioning world unless the corrupting element is dealt with and the slate wiped clean."

Kirito watched the poor girl. Her staff rested beside her and she didn't show any emotion at all as she stared into her tea. Then, she looked to the side. "Actually... on second thought..." Kirito tilted his head. Was there something over there? "Perhaps you're right. I do harbor one desire. Something I was desperate to experience, just once, for the last two hundred years."

Cardinal stared at him and pushed her chair back. "Kirito," she said as she stood up. "Would you stand up, please?" When he obeyed, her eyes narrowed and she grumbled petulantly. As Kirito watched, confused, she turned around and climbed up on her chair. Once she turned back to face him, they were roughly the same height. "This should do. Alright, please step forward."

Was this some sort of strange Sacred Art? Kirito took a few steps forward and hesitated next to the table. "Come closer!" Cardinal scolded him, exasperated.

"Why?"

"Don't argue with me."

Well, in that case... He walked up to her and stopped right next to her chair. This close, he had to tilt his head down a little to meet her eyes. "Raise your arms, please."

"Like this?" Kirito spread his arms out to his sides.

"In front of you. And make a circle with them."

This was a strange Sacred Art... Kirito obeyed, though, and made a circle with his arms around Cardinal so that she stood in the exact center.

"Honestly, how dense are you?!"

Kirito looked down in surprise at the irritation in Cardinal's voice - only to stare in shock as her hat toppled from her head when she leaned forward and wrapped her small arms around his waist, and pressed her cheek against his shoulder.

"So this is it..." she murmured. "Now I see. This is what it means to be human..."

Kirito smiled weakly. She'd been all alone, locked away in this library for two hundred years, and she'd never had a chance to speak to another person before this day. With a surge of emotion flooding through him, Kirito tightened his arms and hugged her back. Cardinal gasped, and Kirito could feel small spots of wetness on his shoulders. "To be held..." she whispered. "It's so warm. And comforting... After two hundred years, this makes the wait worth it. To think something so small could be so satisfying... The wait was more than worth it..."

Kirito pulled back and saw that Cardinal had her eyes closed, tears leaking from them. He didn't want her to suffer any more. So, since she'd probably never had anyone do that, she'd probably never had _this_ either; Kirito leaned forward and gently kissed her forehead.

He'd really been doing that a lot, these last few years.

"Awawawah?" Cardinal's startled gasp surprised Kirito and his arms were abruptly empty. He looked over at the sound of rustling cloth to find the short girl picking up her hat from where it had fell and restoring it to its proper place.

"W-W-Well? How long are you planning to stand there l-like that?" Her cheeks were red despite her best attempts, and Kirito couldn't help but smile to himself at how cute she looked right then. "St-stop looking at me like that."

Kirito grinned and spread his arms. "Sorry, just being human."

...

_A few days ago..._

Kirito could barely move with the chains and straps binding his hands behind his back, but he stayed strong. Ronie, his trainee, stood in front of him and clutched a paper bag to her chest. Tears beaded in her blue eyes, and if he could judge by the redness around her eyes they weren't the first she'd shed.

"Um... I brought you some lunch..." she said and sniffled. She walked around behind him and put the bag in his hands, and Kirito clutched it tightly. "Make sure to eat it before it spoils..."

She stepped back in front of him and Kirito smiled at her. "Thanks, Ronie," he told her. "I'm sure it'll taste great. And I'll think of you with each bite, okay?"

Ronie smiled back, but it was fleeting and fragile. She sniffled again and pressed her forehead against his chest. "I'm so sorry, Kirito," she whimpered. "This is my fault, and now you're in trouble because of me."

"Hey, look at me," Kirito told her. "You can't blame yourself for this, okay? You did the right thing, Ronie. Don't ever apologize for that."

"But, because I couldn't do anything, you're..."

Kirito smiled. "I've been in worse situations before," he said, not that he could really remember many. The golden Knight, Alice, held his sword and his arms were bound. Behind him, he could hear Eugeo saying similar things to his trainee, Tiese - telling her not to be sorry, that he'd chosen this and that she wasn't to blame at all. "Hey, Ronie?"

The girl wiped at her eyes and looked up at him. "Yes?"

Kirito, with the small amount of mobility he had to him, leaned forward and pressed his lips to Ronie's forehead. "There," he said after a few seconds. Ronie's tears had stopped and she stared at him, eyes wide. "I'll definitely be okay, so you just have to wait."

"O-Okay..." she replied, sounding stunned.

Alice cleared her throat and Kirito looked up to see her staring at him. "It is time to depart, but in light of your... r-relationship," she said with only a small stammer, "you may have a little bit longer to talk with her."

"Thank you," Kirito called out. "See, Ronie? It'll be fine."

The girl sniffled and nodded. "Don't worry! I'm going to become a great Integrity Knight," she said. "And then I'll come find you myself!"

...

_A few months ago..._

Kirito waited in the small clearing with his hands behind his back. He didn't have to wait too long, because a girl just a year older than him ran across the clearing, her long hair trailing behind her in the usual ponytail. "There you are, Lady Liena," Kirito said.

Sortiliena put her hands on her hips and smiled. "What are you calling me that for?" she asked. The fondness trainee in her eyes for her troublesome belied the exasperated sigh she let out. "I hope you aren't asking for a farewell duel. I'd accept, though."

"No way," Kirito said. "No matter what, I'd never say something like that. I wanted to give you something."

"In that case," Sortiliena said, "it had better be more valuable and precious than any other gift I've received."

She pressed her hand to her heart, and Kirito turned his head with a sigh. "When you put it that way..."

He revealed the gift he'd been hiding behind his back and brought his hands in front of him. "Huh?" Sortiliena gasped.

"...The gift feels trivial, but... Would you like it?"

Sortiliena stared at the bouquet of small white and blue flowers. Kirito had spent the night preparing the bouquet and arranging things nicely, because he wanted her to love the gift he'd given. "Hm? Wait a minute..." Sortiliena said, eyes wide. "This flower... it can't be!"

"Yes," Kirito said. "They're Zephyria flowers. I just had to show them to you."

"But Zephyria flowers can't bloom in Norlangarth soil." Saying that, Sortiliena leaned forward and reached out as if a closer look would reveal the trick or the lie.

Except, there was no lie. Kirito had done his best to cultivate these, even after his rivals had trampled over them. "They _can_ bloom," Kirito said. "These ones bloomed. Right here on this campus."

"Kirito... You raised Zephyrias just for me?"

"Yes," he replied as Sortiliena's fingers brushed one of the flower petals. "Pretty, aren't they? Just like your eyes." It was really impressive how the colors matched perfectly.

Sortiliena smiled and her eyes shone with unshed tears. "Wow..." she breathed. "Th-thank you. Oh, they really are lovely." That wonderful smile made it worth it. How could he have done anything less than give his mentor her favorite flowers as a thank-you present?

"Damn... I said I wouldn't cry. This is all your fault," she said as she wiped at her eyes.

"S-Sorry!"

"As punishment... Don't move. And close your eyes."

Kirito blinked, but obeyed. Wh-what was...

A warm, soft feeling brushed his forehead and he opened his eyes to see Sortiliena leaning forward, her lips pressed against his forehead. She pulled away after a few seconds, and gripped his arms with her hands.

"Ah... I don't know what came over me," his mentor said. "I-it's not binding unless you..."

Kirito blinked once. The place where her lips had brushed his skin tingled, and he felt a sudden impulse overtake him. Before he could crush it, he leaned forward and stretched up to press his lips to her forehead, returning the gesture of affection. Mentor to student, and student to mentor.

Sortiliena blinked rapidly, and then pressed herself close to Kirito and buried her face in his shoulder. "Let me stay like this for a while," she whispered.

"Sure..." Kirito said. He wasn't sure what else _to_ say. Taking care with the bouquet of flowers, he reached out and patted the girl's back as she hugged him. "Happy graduation, Liena."

...

_A few years ago..._

"Geez... C'mon, Kirito," Selka said. "Festival or not, you have to watch what you drink. Here, have some water."

Kirito laughed even as the young girl handed him a cup of water and he drank it. It was cold and made him shiver even as his mind cleared. "But that was sure a fun party, eh? It'll be a night to remember." Even Selka had dressed up for the occasion; she'd worn a cute green dress with a pink coat instead of her trainee outfit, and even let her long hair fall straight. "Selka... I'm sorry. I bet you wanted to talk more with Eugeo, huh?"

The girl immediately blushed a cherry red. "Wh-what are you saying?"

"No, it's just... kind of like I'm taking him away from all of you. Maybe, if he'd had to stay here as a lumberjack forever, you... and he might've... Ya know, started a family together, maybe."

Maybe he should have watched the amount of beer he was drinking. No matter how much he drank in Aincrad or Alfheim he couldn't get drunk, but the beer in Underworld was the real deal.

The red tint on Selka's cheeks traveled up to the tips of her ears even as she shook her head a few times. "Well... I mean, I'm sad to see him leave, but I'm happy at the same time," she said. "He decided for himself that he'd go look for my sister. He doesn't show it, but I'm sure Father is really happy Eugeo never forgot about Alice."

"...I see."

Selka nodded and tilted her head to look out the window at the full moon. "You know... I didn't go up to that cave pretending to be my sister or anything. I just wanted to... be somewhere closer to her, at least as close as I can get by myself. And, I wanted to know for myself that I could never replace my sister."

"No way, you're amazing." Kirito shook his head. "You did something only you could've done. Going so far, finding the Goblin camp..."

"Only... I could've done?"

Kirito smiled at the wide-eyed look the cute girl was giving him. "You're not some replacement for your sister, Selka. You have powers only you can wield, I know it. Cultivate them.

Selka smiled and clasped her hands in front of her. "Okay."

And... who even am I? That question bounced around in Kirito's thoughts, finally not something he could push off anymore.

'Is the consciousness me? Am I the real Kirito?' It was possible he was just a copy made from the soul of the real Kirito. There was only one way for him to find out - he'd need to do something the real Kirito would never do.

Kirito turned around and stared at Selka's face as she sat right beside him.

"...What?" she asked with a smile.

Kirito reached his hand out to her puzzled-looking face and, with an apology to Asuna, he brought his face closer and pressed his lips to the girl's forehead.

Selka jerked suddenly and her cheeks burned warm under his hands, but she didn't move. After a few seconds, Kirito pulled back from Selka and her cheeks were flushed so red it reached her ears.

"Y-you... What did you just...?"

"This is a promise," Kirito told her, and a squeak escaped Selka's lips and she twitched again.

"...O-Okay," Selka mumbled, still blushing. "Then, after you and Eugeo rescue my sister, y-you have to come back. I'll be waiting."

Kirito smiled at her. "Don't worry. We'll come back. I promise."

...

Alice stared at Kirito as he finished recounting all of the accidental proposals he'd made. Her flat, unblinking stare was the scariest he'd seen her yet, and he'd crossed blades with her.

"...Selka," Alice finally said. "And this Selka is..."

"...She's your little sister, yeah."

Alice nodded once. "And you kissed her forehead." He had deliberately left out the reason why when explaining things, of course.

"Yes, I kissed her forehead."

"And you kissed _my_ forehead."

"Yes, I kissed your forehead."

The boy and girl stared at each other silently for a few seconds. Her brilliant blue eye really was pretty, a small part of Kirito that hadn't learned its lesson yet noted.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" Alice exploded. "BOTH OF US?!"

"I didn't know!"

Alice narrowed her eye and Kirito winced. Yeah, he didn't expect that excuse to fly... Oh well. He was pretty sure that she wouldn't throw him off the side of the Central Cathedral, no matter how much her hands were twitching in that direction.

* * *

Smoke filled the room from Cardinal's powerful Sacred Art. Despite the force she'd brought to bear to target Quinella's sword golem, her tight grip on her staff didn't relax at all. Kirito, Alice and Eugeo stood behind the small librarian and all four stared up at the beautiful woman hovering in the air without a shred of modesty or concern.

"Well, it's about time," Quinella said with an arrogant smirk. "I knew that if I tormented these children long enough, you'd emerge from your musty hole sooner or later."

"Hmph," Cardinal replied. "Time has been kind to you. If I didn't know better, you could almost pass for human."

"My, my, how cavalier you've become." Quinella put a hand on her hips. "You were nothing like this the last time I saw you, little one. You were so timid. Why, when you stood before me two centuries ago, your teeth couldn't stop chattering. Remember? Lyceris?"

"...That may be," Cardinal said, "but today will be different, Quinella! I've devoted those two centuries to deleting you!"

Quinella scoffed. "I'm sorry it took so long for us to meet again," she said. "But, you see, I've been preparing a special Art to welcome you. And finishing it took longer than expected."

The purple-haired woman raised a hand in the air and clenched her fist. Black lightning crackled around her form as a ball of black light expanded outwards. It washed over Kirito and the others and he braced himself, but it didn't harm him. With a resounding crash, every window in the room shattered at once. Kirito whirled around and gasped as the shards rained down - the stars outside were visible for only a moment as a strange purple and black light filled the windows.

"Damn you!" Cardinal shouted. "You cut the address loose!"

"I came so close to killing you, two hundred years ago," Quinella said, "but I let you slip through my fingers. And I wanted to make sure that didn't happen again." She snapped her fingers and the elevator Kirito and Alice had followed Eugeo up exploded with a flash of purple light. "I learned from my mistake and came up with a plan. All I had to do was lure you out again and trap on this side! With _me_. Like a mouse in the same cage with a cat."

Cardinal glared at Quinella. "At this point, it is not clear who is the mouse and who is the cat. _You_ are trapped in here as well." Kirito gripped his sword and exchanged a quick glance with Eugeo and Alice; they all stood behind Cardinal and were ready to fight against the woman flying in the air. "And, as you can plainly see, there are four of us - and only one of you."

"Four against one, you say? Hardly." Uh oh. Kirito didn't like the way Quinella smiled so arrogantly. "Your numbers are off by a wide margin, little one."

Quinella turned to look behind and a black shape loomed from the smoke. It stepped forward with a _clank_ and all of the soot that had covered the massive sword golem cracked and shattered, revealing... "What?!" Cardinal gasped in horror. The sword golem loomed above everyone, perfectly unharmed. Its purple eyes glowed menacingly.

"In fact - and this does not include myself, mind you - it's four against three hundred," Quinella said.

Three hundred...? But that didn't make any sense to Kirito. "Three hundred... what...?" Then, it suddenly clicked in his mind and his eyes widened with horror. The sharp edge of its blade arms, the swords that made up its ribs, and even its gleaming eyes...

"You vile monster...!" Cardinal breathed. "Is there no limit to your depravity!? Your duty is to protect your subjects, and you turn them into _that_?!"

"Wait... subjects..." Eugeo stammered. "That... thing!?"

"Then, that monster, at its core, is human?" Alice asked.

Quinella smirked. "You say such silly things, about trifles such as 'duty' and 'subjects to protect'. I am a _conqueror_. I have no problem as long as whatever I rule over remains subservient and obeys my will. Whether they be sword or human matters not to me."

Cardinal gritted her teeth. "You... _horrid_-"

"Oh, now don't tell me you're shocked I used a little thing like Matter Conversion on human units. It was only a measly three hundred or so."

"You _are_ evil!" Cardinal exclaimed. "Curse you, Quinella, you fiend! Toying with the humans like this is beyond twisted!"

Quinella smiled cruelly at Cardinal as she beheld her creation. "Now that you know the truth about my fearsome human puppet," she said, "you. Cannot. Destroy it~. Because... Every single blade is a living human being who has been transformed into a sword!"

Cardinal gasped. "You... You...!" She gripped her staff tightly. "I am going to stop you, Quinella! Watch this!"

...

...

...

Kirito couldn't stop himself from staring. His mouth hung open as he stared at the blackened and shattered remnants of the golden golem; the swords that had made up its legs and ribs were scattered across the room in separate pieces, and bent and twisted by massive powers.

"So this is the full power of Lady Cardinal..." Alice breathed. Eugeo's eyes were wide as he stared up at the mousy girl.

Kirito looked at the little librarian himself. She hovered in the air a few meters above the floor, her robes flowing around her, and her hat perched on her head like always. She glanced his way and when she realized he was watching her, Cardinal smiled a cute smile and held up two fingers in a peace sign. Her cute doll-like appearance was only a little marred by the streak of blood running down her right cheek.

He'd been a little disturbed by how cheerful she had been when her right eye burst just like Alice's had outside on the tower, only for her to use a Sacred Art to heal the wound immediately after.

"But... But how?!" Quinella exploded. Her smug facade had been shattered like her golem and she gaped at the destruction. "They're... They're your dear little subjects! You shouldn't be able to kill them!"

"Who cares about that? Things have changed for me," Cardinal said. She had a pink tint to her cheeks and Kirito realized what had changed. Please, he pleaded silently, if there really is any god listening, he'd give up his next ten rare drops if only she didn't make things more difficult - "I'm going to get married, so I can't throw away my life."

Darn it.

Eugeo blinked and looked up at the flying girl. "Oh, congratulations!" he said with a big smile. Kirito gulped and looked away - except that meant he was looking at _Alice_, who glared at him without blinking. Kirito scratched his cheek and looked away.

"Do not ignore me," Alice whispered to him as she grabbed his shoulder. "This doesn't change your actions at all. A-And I'm not going to let you propose to me and then back out. Come what may, we are _going_ to get married, Kirito." Kirito peeked at her out of the corner of her eye. She was - were her cheeks red?! "It is my d-duty as a Knight, a-and I will have you take responsibility!"

Asuna was gonna _kill _him. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that his beautiful wife was going to utterly destroy him without a shred of mercy.

* * *

"Your Authority," Cardinal said, "would be too low to have multiple wives, but as I am now the new Pontifex and leader of the Axiom church, that is no longer an issue." She smoothed out her robes and smiled. "By order of the leader of the Axiom Church, you can marry everyone, Kirito."

Kirito was pretty sure his face was stuck. How else could he explain why he was smiling happily, when all he wanted to do was scream? He blinked a few times and tried to make his mouth open so he could unleash a powerful yell from the depths of his soul, but it wouldn't move.

"And my familars have kindly gone to gather the rest of your betrothed," Cardinal continued, "so that we may all celebrate together." A little black speck jumped from his hair onto her shoulder, and Kirito recognized Charlotte the spider.

Wait... Gather them? As in, in one place? All of the girls he'd accidentally proposed to would be together? Kirito could hear the world crying out in agony - no, wait, that was the wail of utter despair still locked in his soul.

Cardinal smiled at him. "And you do not need to worry about a single thing. I ensured my familiars would keep the reason for their summons a surprise so that you may surprise them with the joyous news." She blinked. "Oh, and Selka was quite excited to see her sister again."

That's it, Kirito decided, there was definitely no goddess Stacia, because if there were she would have descended and killed him before things got to this point.

"Ah, they're outside," Cardinal said as she turned her head to the side. Kirito's head swiveled to the large door that was safely keeping the outside world _out_, and not inside where he could acknowledge it actually existed and he really was screwed. "I suppose I should go open the door so we can greet everyone."

Why was this his life?! WHY?!

* * *

**Happy Valentine's Day! Let's celebrate by laughing at Kirito's misfortune with girls in a (slight) AU where kissing a girl's forehead in Underworld is... well, you just read the story, you know what happens!**

**If you liked this little one-shot (and yes it's a one-shot, there's probably nothing after this) then thank you very much. If you didn't like it, it's SaintInfernalNeos's fault because they're the one that spawned this silly idea in my mind during one of our chats. I don't even remember how it happened, but it's definitely 100% their fault and I am blameless.**


End file.
